These past few weeks I have felt like I was playing tug-a-war against myself. No matter how much I tried to not let the anxiety control me, I was losing.
I’m to the point where I don’t know whether to just put this in God’s hands, or get help for it. Medication or trusting God, has been my dilemma.
I have tried for years to get over the anxiety. I have done so good these past few months and then the anxiety has slowly crept back. It likes to come in waves.
I have been bible journaling a lot, trying to stay calm, but anxiety still has a way to come back.
I then start to wonder if maybe the devil is just fighting me. Maybe the anxiety is his way of separating me from God?
I cannot tell you how many times I have prayed for God to lessen the anxiousness, yet the anxiety still comes.
I envy people who can go a day without anxiety entering their minds. I wish I had that. Just one day.
It’s so easy to read verses, and tell ourselves we’ll be okay. It’s easy to say it, but actually feeling okay doesn’t come that easy.
I can read this verse over and over, but sometimes trusting God with this isn’t as easy as it might seem.
“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.” Psalm 56:3
I trust God, I truly do. But what am I suppose to do when I have prayed and prayed and God doesn’t seem to alleviate any of the anxiety?
I pray more, and still nothing.
I have gone to see a therapist for my anxiety and depression. She has told me over and over again to read Psalm 23. In her eyes, this verse should help.
It still doesn’t.
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4
I can read verses all day. That changes nothing.
The only thing that provides any amount of peace is having an actual relationship with Christ.
I have prayed for years to be able to have just one day where anxiety isn’t a factor. I have asked God so many times why I have to deal with this.
And I still don’t have an answer.
Trusting God when you deal with so much, isn’t easy. I guess in a way I understand how people drift away from God. I understand why it’s so easy to not believe in Him.
Although I understand, I do still believe. That’s the only thing that keeps me going is the hope that I have in Christ, even when I don’t understand His ways.
I don’t understand why God is allowing anxiety to fill my life to the point going to class has become extremely hard. I don’t understand why God has allowed anxiousness to take over.
All I have to hold on to is the hope that He truly is with me.
And that gives me a little peace even on the worst days.
This prayer is comforting, so if you’re dealing with something similar, keep this in mind.