Lately I have lost the ability to pray. I just kept pushing everything to the side, and would say, it’ll work out.
I didn’t realize why I couldn’t pray. I didn’t understand why the thought of praying was painful. Then I realized it: I didn’t know what to say.
I never thought I’d be the person that wouldn’t know what to say. I never imagined myself getting to the point where no words would form. Praying used to be easy for me, and now a simple prayer has become extremely hard.
When I say I don’t know what to pray, I really mean that. It’s like my knowledge of English goes out the window, and I suddenly can’t form words.
That’s hard. Hard because I cannot seem to talk to the one person I used to always be able to talk to.
Why is praying hard?
Maybe it’s because you feel ashamed to pray. Perhaps you feel like you don’t deserve to talk to God, or to ask for something.
For me, it’s like I don’t know what to ask for. Which is silly, because we don’t have to ask God for things specifically, or even at all. We can just ask God for guidance in a situation, or for understanding. I don’t know why it’s become so hard to just say a few simple words like I need your help.
These last few months I’ve really been struggling with forgiveness. But I just can’t seem to find it in me to pray for that. I don’t understand why. I’m the type of person that forgives everyone, just like Jesus would. But praying for forgiveness for a specific person in my life has proven to be hard. I can’t even seem to pray for this situation at all.
Last night, I found myself asking God why I couldn’t talk to Him about this. Why I kept putting the pain and hurt I was feeling on the back-burner, and why I prayed about everything else in my life except for this one thing.
I was then reminded that prayer isn’t always easy. Laying out everything in front of God, and showing your weakness isn’t something that comes easy.
But even though in that moment I didn’t know what to say, God heard everything my heart wanted to say. I didn’t have to specifically pray about it, I just had to be there, with God, and let Him know that I had no clue what to say, but I was there, at the feet of Jesus and that’s all that mattered.
I used to believe that you had to pray words for God to hear.
I was wrong.
I believe that God hears our hearts, and our silent cries. I believe God knows our deepest desires even when we can’t say them aloud.
I wish the words came easy to me, and I could pray without much thought. But right now, words aren’t easy. But I know that even though I cannot seem to find the words to pray, God hears my heart.
And He hears your heart too.