Do you ever feel like you’re letting down God?
Yesterday was one of those days. I made a promise to God that I ended up not being able to keep. I panicked and I couldn’t fulfill the promise. I then felt an overwhelming sense of shame because trusting God wasn’t enough. I said I trust God, but apparently I didn’t, because if I did I would have been able to keep my promise without allowing anxiety to dictate.
Yesterday was one of those days where my anxiety kept me down. My anxiety literally kept me locked in my car for an hour. I couldn’t get out, and all I kept thinking about was breaking a promise to God. I made a promise to Him that I’d go to church. I got to church an hour early, and for that whole hour I was glued to my seat. I couldn’t open the car door. My heart rate was sky-high, and I just wanted to leave the parking lot. But the promise I made was in the back of my mind, and I couldn’t leave.
Once church started, I drove out of the parking lot, upset. Mad that my anxiety controlled me again. Mad that I allowed it to. Mad that my trust in God wasn’t enough.
I can’t explain my anxiety. For me, church and my anxiety don’t mix well. I promised God I would try to go. I’m away at college, and I desperately wanted to find a church to call home while I’m in school. But finding one has been hard. This was the second time in the past month I’ve sat in the parking lot and was unable to go inside. But I made a promise to God that I would, but I still couldn’t get out of the car.
I was so mad at myself. Mad that I couldn’t open a door. Mad I couldn’t simply walk inside. Mad that my anxiety controls the one thing I love to do: go to church.
I’ve always loved church. I absolutely love my home church, and I want to badly to find one here. But every single time anxiety gets in the way.
I want so badly for my anxiety to go away. I’ll admit I get mad at God a lot because I have to deal with this daily. I used to not understand why I must have this. Why I must have something controlling me? Why God is allowing me to suffer through this? I mean, I can’t even walk into a church. Why would God allow this to stop me from going to church? It made no sense to me.
But I think back to a conversation I had months ago with God. I was upset because I didn’t like dealing with the things I had to deal with.
I remember God telling me,
“What you are going through is not for nothing. You are going to use this to help others. Don’t let this be for nothing.”
After I heard that I felt peace. I knew that the pain I was going through would not be in vain. I just had to be a vessel for others.
But it’s still hard. It’s still hard to be okay with anxiety. I used to keep my anxiety a secret. Now I choose to write blog posts about them. I’m hoping the more I open up, the more the stereotype and stigma that surrounds it will disappear. But even though I know that God can use what I go through to help others, it gets hard. Like today, sitting in a church parking lot unable to walk inside. It was hard. Hard knowing that even though I trusted God, I was being controlled.
I want to work on this. I want to have such a strong trust in God that my anxiety is vanished. Now, I don’t know if that’ll ever happen, but I do know that it has gotten so much better since I gave my anxiety over to God.
So I urge you today, no matter what you struggle with, if it’s anxiety, or anything else, give it to God. It might not get better right away. Mine hasn’t, but this is my opportunity to grow my trust. I don’t know if I’ll ever be anxiety-free. But I do know that I have the chance to strengthen my relationship with Christ, and this will help me get through anything I have to go through.