Lately I’ve been really frustrated with God. More than I ever have, really. I’ve been doubting God’s love, and desire to help me. I’ve questioned whether He cared enough to be here with me, and answer my prayers.
I felt so hopeless and alone. I used to always feel like God was on my side, but now, I feel like He’s against me.
I’ve never felt so distant to God as I have these last few weeks. I’ve felt like I was praying, but when I truly thought about it, I never was praying to God. It was more wishing, than praying.
Why did I stop praying to God? Why did my prayers turn to wishing? Why did I turn my back against God?
Honestly, pain is the reason. I was tired of being hurt physically and emotionally. God wasn’t answering my prayers for healing. God wasn’t answering my prayers for the baggage that I was carrying around. God wasn’t answering my prayers in general, so I was hurt. So I stopped asking God for help.
God used to be like my life-line, but now I pushed him aside. If He wasn’t going to help me, then I wasn’t going to lean on Him.
I didn’t understand because according to Psalms 145:18, “The LORD is near to all them that call on him, to all that call on him in truth”. So why was he ignoring my prayers the times when I did pray?
I was praying and letting Him know my thoughts and desires, just like Philippians 4:6 says. “Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God”.
I wasn’t giving up. 1 Thessalonians 5:17, “Pray without ceasing”.
But eventually I did. I felt like all these verses were lies. Nothing was changing. God was still distant, and I was still hurting.
Finally, I’m realizing that maybe I was the distant one. Maybe I used these verses against Him. Maybe I just read the verses that benefitted me, and my argument. God does want what’s best for us, even when we have moments of distrust. He does know our past, present and future. He isn’t going to forsake us, now or ever.
If you’re going through a period of uncertainty right now, with your relationship with God, know that it’s okay to question Him. Just don’t ever slip so far away that you find yourself lost without His guidance. It’s so easy to stray off the tracks. Although I’m still having a hard time fully trusting God after being let down so many times, I’m not going to fully let Him go. And trust me, He hasn’t let me go.
1 Chronicles 16:11, “Seek the LORD and his strength, seek his face continually”.
Always seek God, and you’ll eventually understand His ways.