All I want is peace.
I feel like that’s what everyone wants. I never understood why peace was so important, until I felt like my life was chaos. I felt my emotions seeping in every direction, and I felt like my body was betraying me. I also felt like God was betraying me.
I prayed and I prayed for answers. I was confused and mad at God. I screamed and screamed until I realized the screaming wasn’t doing anything. But I felt like my prayers weren’t being heard, so praying stopped being an option. I no longer had faith. I was simply mad. Mad at God for ignoring me. All I wanted was God to give me the answers I wanted to hear, and not another ‘just wait’.
Earlier this week I went to the doctor for a follow-up. I had so much faith, and I actually believed I would get some answers; get some type of hope.
I remember sitting in the doctor’s office, questioning why I even tried anymore. I felt like for every step I would take forward, I’d end up taking two steps back. I didn’t understand why I kept praying to God when He wasn’t answering me. Why I kept wasting my time on Him; on praying when the prayers wasn’t working anymore.
I went to my car and told Him I was done. Told Him I was tired of running in circles. I have done everything right. I wasn’t a perfect Christian, but I thought it was good enough.
Good enough? I don’t think this life is about being good enough, but I thought just maybe, it would be enough this time. Enough for Him to answer my prayer just this once.
I was tired of no one understanding. People don’t understand what I deal with, but I thought God did. I couldn’t understand why He wasn’t answering my prayers when He knew how much pain I was in. I always felt like God understood, but in this moment, I felt like He didn’t understand at all.
I remember being so confused as to why God was ignoring me. Why He didn’t seem to care. Why He couldn’t just help me this one time. I was frustrated and mad at God.
A few days later, I thought about it: why God doesn’t answer all our prayers, and why He doesn’t fix everything right when we want it fixed. And honestly, I don’t have an answer.
I don’t think I’ll ever have an answer.
All I know is I felt like He wanted me to know that peace is part of this.
I asked for answers, but I never asked for peace. Peace of understanding, and peace of this overall. I wanted what I wanted, but I never asked for help to get through it.
I’m not saying praying for peace makes it a whole lot easier. But it gives some sense of hope, I guess.
Every single one of us is going through
something. And a good portion of the time, God doesn’t answer our prayers right when we expect Him to. And I know it’s hard. But maybe praying for peace will get you through it. Instead of getting mad at God, maybe we should pray for peace while we wait on His timing.
As hard as it is for me to say this: His timing is worth the wait.