The light creeping thru the window woke me the next morning. The kids came in and told me bye as they were leaving to catch the bus, but I apparently had dozed back off. I picked up my phone to call my supervisor and let her know that I wouldn’t be in today. I let her know what I was working on before leaving yesterday and what needed to be done on today. I don’t really feel like anything. I just lay in the bed. I’ve never been depressed, but that is what I feel myself slipping into. My ringing phone interrupts my thoughts. It’s my husband calling. He asks me how I’m feeling. I tell him I’m okay, just tired. He tells me that he got the kids ready for school and he left to get breakfast and that he’d be back in a few minutes. I tell him okay. I get up to shower and put on some clothes. A few minutes later, he’s walking in the house. We sit in the den. I tell him I’m not really hungry. He looks at me and begins to ask his questions.
“What can we do to make things work?”
“I’m not really sure right now. So much has happened. I’ve lost myself. I really need some time alone to figure things out.”
“Do you love him?”
I look away…I can’t tell him that to his face. Would hurt his feelings too much. Of course he has his eyes on me the entire time. My body language and me not responding answered that question.
I respond, “You don’t listen to me. What I say in this marriage is never valid or important to you. It’s always your way or no way. And don’t let it be a time when you’ve been drinking…you throw me under the bus, let me get run over, then you are the one that wants to rescue me. I can’t honestly say that I want it to work right now. So much has happened over the years. I’m not happy. You don’t always say the nicest things to me. You think that buying me everything is supposed to make me happy and that’s not even the case. Those things can do nothing for me. Absolutely nothing. Never been to understand what emotional abuse is, but I certainly think that I’ve been a victim of that.”
I finally look up at him. The expression on his face is one that says that he doesn’t believe that he is that person. He says that he has spoken with my step father and others they basically told him that I need to make a decision right now. I tell him that I can’t make a decision right now. I need time. I tell him that I know that I made a bad choice, but I’m not really sure that I want to work on my marriage right now. I tell him that I think it’s a good idea to have time to process everything that has happened before we make any type of decision. He tells me he doesn’t agree with that. It’s almost as if he just wants to sweep this under the rug and for image sake, move on. In my mind, we have issues that need to be dealt with. I’m honestly wondering why he wants to make it work. He tells me he’s about to leave so he can get ready for work. I go back into my room. I check my phone because in all this time, I still haven’t heard from my lover. I think it’s odd because it’s usually not this much time that goes by that we aren’t at least texting. I decide to shoot him a text to see what’s going on with him. I doze off. A few hours later, I’m checking my phone and still nothing. This was not part of the plan…
The life of Nise Daniels: My life. My mistakes. Your lesson.
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