I close the door behind me and lean up against the door. I can feel him looking at me. I purposely don’t make eye contact with him. I look down at the floor. I really don’t want to do this with him tonight. I don’t want to talk. Don’t want to explain. I don’t want to have to tell him everything that I’ve said before and have those things fall upon deaf ears. Will he listen now that he knows I’ve stepped out on him? Countless conversations between he and I where I’m basically telling him what I need. What I want. No one can make you do anything. But I’m a firm believer that you can be provoked. But I made a bad choice. My decision didn’t just affect me. It affected so many other people. Regardless of what he had done to me, no one deserved to be hurt.
“So I was right,” he said.
I responded, “Yes.”
“I haven’t been happy for a long time. You make me feel as though my feelings, my thoughts, my desires…you make it seem as though anything I feel or think isn’t valid. You minimize what I do here in the house and with the kids. Like anyone can do it.”
“So you cheated on me because I don’t help you around the house?”
I roll my eyes because it’s like he didn’t even hear anything else I said prior to that statement. I’m standing there with my arms folded across my chest looking at him in disgust. Like really?? Yeah, I know I’m the one that broke the promise. I cheated on him. And I should’ve just left him instead of making the choice I made. But talking to him was like talking to a brick wall. There was just no purpose. There was no love. I felt nothing for him. I just want to leave. Then what he says to me next shocks me.
“What can we do to make it work?”
Make it work? I don’t want to make it work. You were supposed to be upset with me. You were supposed to want to leave me. You were supposed to at least try to kill me. And you want to make it work? I’m so beyond making it work with you right now…all these thoughts are going through my mind. Make it work? Seriously?
I respond, “I’m not sure right now. I just need some time to process things. As I stated earlier, I haven’t been happy for a long time. We really need to just let things calm down before talking about a future together. I’m really tired. Can we please continue this conversation tomorrow? And I think it’s best if we separate…sleep in separate rooms for a while. I just need some space”.
“Space? Ummmm….okay. That’s fine. Good night,” he said.
I go in my room. Inhale. Exhale. His response and reactions to this affair are just to calm for me. I lock my door. I go into the bathroom to take a shower. He wants to make it work. Why? The hot water from the shower calms the tense feeling in my body temporarily. I dry off, dress for bed and just lay there. He wants to make it work…wow. Totally wasn’t expecting that response. Sigh. What am I going to do????
The life of Nise Daniels: My life. My mistakes. Your lesson.
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