Part II

Was I really about to call my husband of seven years to end my marriage? I was too afraid to tell him face to face. He may try to kill me. He had his suspicions as he had accused me before. I always denied the accusations. I couldn’t hide anymore. It was weighing too heavily on me. Regardless of what he had done to me, I was responsible for my own actions. I knew what I was doing was wrong. Affairs are so easy to get into and get started. They are very difficult to get out of. Yes, I attempted several times to end the affair. But I was immediately drawn back to him after a few weeks of no communication. He really seemed to understand me as a person. He was always there for me. Being in an affair and trying to end it is like being caught up in a never ending whirlwind. Or better yet, a tornado.

I gave up fighting for the marriage a long time ago. Even before the affair. In my mind, there was nothing left to fight for. I felt trapped. It seemed as though the affair was my only opportunity to get out. If you would’ve asked me years ago could I see myself being this lying, and deceitful person, of course my answer would be no. I wasn’t that type of girl. I was a good girl. I never really got into trouble when I was younger. I was afraid that God would severely punish me for any wrong action or sin I committed. What I was doing was just not characteristic of me or who I am as a woman. Yet, here I was, the poster child for Jazmine Sullivan’s song “I’m in love with another man”. That love was worth my marriage in my mind.

I had a few friends that were aware of my ongoing affair with this man. They didn’t condone it, of course. They never really told me to end it, but they did not support me in my endeavors because obviously, it was wrong. I was just reminded to be careful and to think about everything that I was doing. I never shared with my friends that we discussed leaving our spouses for each other. I knew that they would talk me out of it. They would tell me that if I wasn’t happy in the marriage, I should leave for that reason, not for another man. They would tell me that God wouldn’t bless the new union. But knowing my friends and their logic of thinking and reasoning, they wouldn’t encourage me to leave the marriage. For some reason, I thought I could defy the odds. You know, they say that a man usually never leaves his family for another woman. And if he did, he’d cheat on the woman that he was cheating with. I’d heard all of that before. But our situation was different. He loved me. And I loved him. That’s all that mattered.

It felt as though the phone rung for an hour!! . After mustering up the courage to tell him, I got his voicemail. Should I just leave a message?? Of course I wouldn’t. I would just have to prepare myself for the inevitable all over again.

-Nise Daniels

The life of Nise Daniels: My life. My mistakes. Your lesson.

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