By Angel Quiroz
It all begins with a glance, a peer over the shoulders of dozens of worshiping congregants. You happen to lock eyes for one second.
You know she leads the night worship service. She knows you’re the bible study leader or in line to pastor one day or maybe you’re the new guy in church. It shocks you because you’ve never spoken but there’s an unspoken connection. You hold eye contact for just long enough for it to be awkward until Miss Jane feels the Holy Spirit and gets in your line of sight, cutting the connection. You both quickly snap out of it. I should be focusing on God not on them! You think to yourself! That Andy Mineo lyric pops into your head “Instead of looking for them sundresses I should just be looking for the Son I confess it!” and both of you shut your eyes diligently, raising your hands.
“Whoa! Whoa! How great is Your Love for Me!”
“Whoa Jesus, is this a sign?” She thinks. “Should I start praying about him? I want to guard my heart, God but it seems so right! He has a good family, a call over his life, a great testimony; I can totally see how this could end up! We could do missions together in Kenya, or Guatemala! Jesus fix it!”
The service ends and (lets just call them Steve and Sue)
Steve is playfully bantering with his boys, says bye to his usual friends, smiles at Sue and leaves. Poor Sue. Listen Sue, I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news but…
Now this is only one scenario used to illustrate the allusive and elaborate scenarios that can play out in ones head. But don’t worry. I’m not here to talk to girls and tell them to stop fantasizing; On the contrary. It’s my personal opinion that women have every right to fantasize about their marriage, husband, wedding and missions trips. I’m here to challenge men into clarity.
Gentlemen, allow me to elaborate on what I mean by clarity. For example:
If you never approach her, she can safely assume that you’re not into her.
I know it’s a modern world gentleman. I will never knock a girl for making the first move. But I will slightly knock a guy for letting it get to that point. We live in a culture where it is perfectly acceptable for a girl to make the first moves, but as Christians we must realize that we should put aside worldly culture and live in a Kingdom Culture.
Jesus pursues us consistently, he came to us, found us, wooed us. In the same way men should be intentional about pursuing those they think they’d want to date and eventually marry. Since Jesus’ relationship with us is supposed to be a representation or a mirror image of a Godly marriage, we should be doing the same. But if men don’t take the responsibility of pursuing the girl they want to meet, they shouldn’t have the privilege of meeting that amazing woman at all.
If you text her, take her out alone, and date her right away, you’re still not that into her.
There’s no tried and true formula for any relationship, of course. But in our twenty-somethings as believers it’s really easy to jump the gun because we feel pressed for time. We feel pressured by our culture to move things as fast as we can to prove something to ourselves as dudes. I will say from experience that it’s important that you challenge the friendship aspect of your relationship before assuming a date-able quality in them.
If you’ve been on a date before you know exactly what I mean. Instead of dating, I suggest:
Serve on a weekend outreach.
You’ll learn more about your #wcw in one weekend of outreach than you would in a month of dating them.
Talk to her leaders. (Don’t be a creep)
Sounds invasive I know. But gentlemen, when you’re interested in a girl and she’s interested in you, the best thing you can do is show your intentions to the people who matter most in her life. Not only will you gain their respect, but also they will tell you who she really is. Then you can gain a better understanding of whether or not you’d want to be with her on the road to marriage.
Get to know their friends.
This is also multi-purposed. And I’m assuming self-explanatory.
If you’re flirting, yet can’t afford to get married…you’re not that into her.
We have an epidemic today. Men who want everything from a girl except won’t give her commitment and a ring. There are plenty of men in the church who are inherently seeking marriage in general. It’s just part of who they are. It’s what they know to be right. This is where dating comes in.
If you’ve decided to date each other, understand that it’s going somewhere. And understand that if the finances aren’t there in the beginning, those are things you need to tackle before things get serious at all. That’s you’re responsibility whether you’re dating someone or not. Do it for yourself and God first and foremost. If you talk to any serious married couple they will tell you the same.
It’s important that you take it upon yourself to stop worrying about Mrs. Right and start worrying about becoming Mr. Right. This way there is no hindrance when you have a family. You will be able to provide your family with love, spiritual growth, care, emotional reliability and money as needed. There is nowhere that says you can’t work together with your wife; but there is nowhere in scripture that says you have to struggle either.
Perhaps gentlemen, it’s time we clarify our intentions. Simultaneously, perhaps it’s time we become more goal oriented. This isn’t a sweeping generalization of all men. Only the twenty-somethings who are looking to marry or date but haven’t worked out the details yet should take exception to this read. It’s never too early to start. Trust me; God always has a plan and purpose for your life. One that is greater than you could ever imagine. It’s just up to us to work at it. Until then, make sure you’re not that into her; for your sake and for hers.